Brainoceros!
by Dead Composer
Summary: Can Brain save the children of Elwood City from being transformed into rhinos? Parody of Ionesco's 'Rhinoceros'.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own the Arthur characters. Marc Brown owns them, and I don't own him either.  
  
The setting: Manhattan. The present day.  
  
Among the rush-hour throngs of pedestrians, a smartly dressed woman strolled down the sidewalk, munching on a chocolate bar. Not far away, a man in a blue suit was making his through the crowds. In one hand he held an open jar of peanut butter; in the other he held a spoon, with which he eagerly shoveled peanut butter from the jar into his mouth.  
  
"Mmm...chocolate," said the woman dreamily.  
  
"Mmm...peanut butter," said the man ecstatically.  
  
So absorbed in culinary pleasure were the man and woman that they walked right into each other. The impact caused the woman to drop her chocolate bar, which landed in the man's peanut butter jar.  
  
"You got your chocolate in my peanut butter," the man complained.  
  
"You got your peanut butter on my chocolate," the woman retorted.  
  
As the man and woman gazed into each others' eyes, they suddenly forgot about their little snack mishap. They smiled rapturously. Their lips drew closer and closer together...  
  
CRUNCH!  
  
Their expression of newfound mutual affection was interrupted by the sound of gigantic footsteps. An enormous shadow covered them.  
  
Only half a block away, a fifty-foot tall anthropomorphic rhinoceros was charging in their direction, kicking aside cars and knocking over lamp posts.  
  
The man and woman screamed and ran away from the approaching beast with all the speed they could muster. They were soon joined by a mass of terrified, fleeing citizens.  
  
"Run, run, as fast as you can!" cried the giant rhino with a booming voice that sounded vagely like Binky's. "You can't escape me, I'm the Incredible Rhino Man!"  
  
The creature continued its rampage down Fifth Avenue, leaving a swath of crushed vehicles, fallen signposts, and broken windows.  
  
It stopped for a moment, bent over, and picked up a car that was sitting next to the curb. "Hey, look, everybody!" it roared. "An empty parking space!"  
  
Meanwhile, hundreds of miles above the Earth, an alarm sounded in the Bunny League's space station. The sudden noise startled Fast Bunny, who had been asleep in front of the control console.  
  
"Who's there?" he asked as he whisked around the control room at super-speed, looking for the source of the disturbance.  
  
As Bionic Bunny and Hawk Bunny hurried into the room, a large viewscreen on the wall blinked on, showing a picture of devastation in downtown New York.  
  
"Great Scott!" cried Bionic Bunny as he stared at the screen in disbelief. "A giant rhinoceros is destroying Manhattan!"  
  
"This is in very bad taste," said Hawk Bunny, "considering it's only been two years since..."  
  
She was interrupted by the arrival of the rest of the League, consisting of Dark Bunny, Amazon Bunny, Green Bunny, and Martian Bunny.  
  
"Why are you all standing around?" said Dark Bunny. "We've got a city to save!"  
  
Moments later, the lovestruck man and woman were still running down Fifth Avenue, but the monstrous rhino was still in pursuit.  
  
"It's still coming after us!" cried the woman, looking behind her.  
  
"If we can make it to the subway..." said the man breathlessly.  
  
Then, as the terrified citizens watched in wonder and relief, three costumed figures swooped down and landed in the center of the street. They were Bionic Bunny, Green Bunny, and Hawk Bunny.  
  
"Hawk Bunny, you take the left side," Bionic Bunny ordered. "I'll take the right. Green Bunny, make a force shield to protect the citizens."  
  
As Bionic Bunny and Hawk Bunny flew directly at the giant rhino, Green Bunny used his power ring to generate a protective field of green energy between the monster and the helpless bystanders.  
  
As Bionic Bunny repeatedly punched the right side of the beast's enormous head, and Hawk Bunny swatted at the left side with her mace, the rhino raised its hands and effortlessly flicked away the two heroes.  
  
"Ha ha ha! Puny rabbit people!" the rhino exulted.  
  
In the meantime, the remainder of the League had disembarked from their jet, and was preparing to join the fray. Amazon Bunny tossed her lasso at the creature, who caught it and began to spin it rapidly around its head, as she held tightly to the other end.  
  
"Aaaaaaaarrrrgggghhhh..." she cried as the centrifugal forces tore at her body. Finally she let go and was hurled toward the street, making a fifty-foot-long hole in the asphalt where she landed. She struggled clumsily and dizzily to her feet.  
  
"Are you all right?" asked Dark Bunny as he rushed to the side of the visibly nauseous Amazon Bunny.  
  
She didn't answer, but sank to her knees and vomited.  
  
At the same time, Fast Bunny was running circles around the rhino at supersonic speed, producing a tremendous updraft. The beast, however, continued its destructive march down the avenue, unfazed.  
  
Fast Bunny finally came to a stop and wiped his brow. "It's no use," he lamented. "I've only air-conditioned the darn thing!"  
  
Nearby, Martian Bunny's eyes glowed as he held his fingers to his temples. "Must...make...telepathic...contact..."  
  
"Any luck?" Green Bunny called to him.  
  
"None," he replied sadly as he lowered his hands. "The creature's skull is too thick!"  
  
"I heard that!" growled the rhino angrily. It raised a gigantic foot and stomped on Martian Bunny...who escaped unhurt with the help of his phasing ability.  
  
The monster began to home in on Dark Bunny, who threw one bunnyrang after another at it, until he had expended several dozen...and they all bounced off of its rough hide.  
  
"Oooohhh..." moaned Amazon Bunny as she drunkenly walked up to Dark Bunny's side. "How many of those things do you have?"  
  
"I think this is the last one," said Dark Bunny as he heaved another bunnyrang at the approaching rhino, who effortlessly deflected it. He then reached into one of his pockets and pulled out another bunnyrang. "Oh, wait..."  
  
Several minutes later, the giant rhino was reclining on its stomach in the middle of Central Park. Bionic Bunny, Amazon Bunny, and Martian Bunny were punching it furiously along the spine, while Hawk Bunny struck it repeatedly with her mace between the shoulder blades.  
  
The rhino smiled obliviously. "Ah, there's nothing like a good back massage."  
  
Then it drifted peacefully off to sleep...  
  
...and Binky woke up.  
  
He rubbed his eyes and muttered to himself. "Whoa. That was a cool dream. I defeated the whole Bunny League."  
  
It occurred to him that his voice sounded rougher and hoarser than before. "Maybe I'm coming down with a cold," he said to himself.  
  
Then he sat up. As soon as he did, the boards holding up the mattress split with a crack, causing him to sink down in the bed.  
  
"Oops," he mumbled. "Too many hamburgers."  
  
As he stood up, walked across the room, and fumbled for the light switch, he couldn't shake the feeling that he was somehow much heavier...and larger... than before.  
  
The light finally came on. Binky turned...and looked in the mirror...  
  
...and screamed.  
  
(to be continued) 


	2. Chapter 2

Binky couldn't believe his eyes...or rather, the small black dots his eyes had become. Small, that is, relative to the enormous, gray, lumpy, rhinoceros face that stared back at him from the mirror.  
  
His nose, which had been little more than a lump on his face before, had grown to gargantuan proportions. On the front of it a large horn sat, with a smaller horn hiding behind it. His ears had also grown tremendously, and looked like large gray pancakes.  
  
The initial shock quickly wore off, and Binky was soon reflecting on the astonishing coolness of it all. He was twice his original size (his pajamas were stretched to the ripping point), he had a pointed, deadly weapon on the bridge of his nose, and his arms and legs had swollen to the point that they felt like tree trunks.  
  
"Whoa," he whispered reverentially. "Wait till my folks see this."  
  
His folks, Jack and Melanie Barnes, were in the kitchen getting ready for the day. Mrs. Barnes was wiping some dishes, while Mr. Barnes was placing his cap on his head as part of his prison guard uniform.  
  
"No time for breakfast, honey," he said to Mrs. Barnes. "I'll grab something from the donut shop on the way to..."  
  
He was interrupted by a loud crash from the direction of Binky's bedroom.  
  
Mrs. Barnes almost dropped the plate she was drying. "What on earth..."  
  
"I'll make sure Binky's all right," said Mr. Barnes as he headed off in the direction of the noise.  
  
Seconds later, Mrs. Barnes heard him cry out in terror.  
  
He rushed back into the kitchen, his face white as a sheet. He stopped long enough to glance at his wife, then continued onward into the living room, where he opened a closet door.  
  
Then Mrs. Barnes saw it...  
  
A rhinoceros boy, clad in yellow pajamas, lumbered into the kitchen. The door to Binky's bedroom sat on top of his large nose, his horn sticking through a gaping hole in the middle of it. The creature, though obviously a youth, was nearly as tall as Mrs. Barnes was.  
  
She screamed in horror and dropped her plate, which shattered on the floor.  
  
"Hey, Mom," said Binky the rhino, as he tried to detach the bedroom door from his nose. "Look what happened to me last night! Isn't it awesome?"  
  
Mrs. Barnes stared wordlessly at her changed son, while Mr. Barnes hurried back into the kitchen...armed with a hunting rifle.  
  
"Don't panic, Mel," he said confidently. "I've got him."  
  
With that, he raised the rifle to his shoulder and fired a round directly at the rhino boy.  
  
Binky felt as though a strong fist had punched him in the chest. As he stumbled backwards and struggled to keep his footing, the door slipped off of his nose, and he held it in front of him in hopes of using it as a shield.  
  
Mr. Barnes fired another round as his wife covered her face in terror. The bullet tore through the door and knocked Binky backwards, but he managed to remain on his feet.  
  
"Stop shooting!" Mrs. Barnes suddenly cried out. "It's Binky!"  
  
Mr. Barnes lowered the rifle, astonished. Binky the rhino stood before him, a bit short of breath due to the impact of the shots, but with no apparent wounds.  
  
"Uh...hi, Dad," said Binky, smiling and raising an oversized hand.  
  
His father gaped and blinked unbelievingly. After a few moments of gaping and blinking, he finally spoke.  
  
"What happened to you?"  
  
"I don't know," said Binky excitedly, "but it sure is cool. I mean, you just shot me twice, and I'm still alive. I'm bulletproof!"  
  
"It's that thick rhino hide of yours," remarked Mr. Barnes as he placed the butt of his rifle on the floor beside him.  
  
"Jack, I'm calling the doctor," said Mrs. Barnes as she reached for the phone.  
  
----  
  
Binky protested loudly as his parents, who were now only a few inches taller than him, led him through the hospital entrance. "I feel fine," he insisted. "Nothing's wrong with me. I don't need to see a doctor. I've just changed, that's all. You change as you grow up, right?"  
  
As they passed through the reception area, Binky saw a blond rhino girl, dressed in a red blouse that was several sizes too small, walking in his direction. He stopped to greet her. "So, you too," he said in a friendly manner.  
  
"Yeah," said the rhino girl in a gravelly voice. "I was like this when I woke up this morning. It's great! I'm not the smallest kid in my class anymore."  
  
"Rhinos rule!" shouted Binky as he gave the girl a high-five. His father took him gently by the arm and pulled him toward the doctor's office. As they walked, a news photographer who stood nearby snapped a picture of them.  
  
Moments later they arrived in the waiting room...which looked like a tornado had hit it. The tables had been overturned, the potted plants had been knocked over, and several large holes had been punched in the walls. Cheesy pop music emerged from the ceiling speakers, as if everything were normal.  
  
"What happened here?" Mrs. Barnes asked the doctor's secretary.  
  
"Two little rhino boys came in earlier this morning," she explained. "Tommy and Timmy Tibble."  
  
Binky surveyed the damage to the waiting room, and a mischeivous smile spread across his rhino face.  
  
"We've seen five rhino kids already today," the secretary went on. "They just wake up, and poof! It's like an epidemic."  
  
Binky walked up to the secretary's desk, his expression changed to one of annoyance. "Hey, lady," he barked, "turn off that stupid music, will ya?"  
  
The secretary looked a little nervous as she sized up Binky. Without a word, she reached for the volume control on the wall and adjusted it. The ceiling speakers became silent.  
  
----  
  
"I'll tell you the same thing I told the other parents who came in with rhino kids," said Dr. Truman as he lay his stethoscope on the counter. "He's in good health. Nothing's wrong with him, other than the fact that he's a rhinoceros, instead of...instead of whatever he was before."  
  
"Isn't there anything you can do?" asked Mrs. Barnes with concern.  
  
"I can't just wave a wand and change him back," said the doctor. "Maybe the problem will reverse itself in time. I don't know for sure. I've never encountered anything like this, and I don't think anyone else in the medical community ever has either."  
  
"Is it contagious?" asked Mr. Barnes.  
  
"I can't say," said the doctor. "The kids I've seen today come from different parts of the city, which suggests that it's not airborne, or spread by contact. For all I know, it could prove to be something in the water, that only affects people with weakened immune systems."  
  
"Hey!" Rhino Binky retorted. "Are you calling my immune system weak?"  
  
"Uh...no," said the doctor, who actually stood an inch or two shorter than Binky.  
  
"Well, Binky," Mrs. Barnes remarked, "it looks like you've got a new disease. Maybe they'll name it after you."  
  
"The media already has a name for it," Dr. Truman reported. "Rhinocerosis."  
  
(to be continued) 


	3. Chapter 3

"Two words that have the same meaning are synonyms," Mr. Ratburn lectured. "And two words that have opposite meaning are antonyms. For example, happy and sad are..."  
  
Buster raised his hand. "Uh...hominids?"  
  
"No, Buster," said Mr. Ratburn. "The word you're thinking of is homonyms."  
  
"Hominids are prehistoric human-like creatures," explained Brain.  
  
"Like cave men," George added.  
  
He imagined himself as a Paleozoic moose boy clad in a bear skin, wandering the stone age world in search of food. In time he found a tree from which several bunches of ripe bananas were hanging. After several jumps that didn't take him high enough, he managed to grab on to one of the banana bunches and wrestle it loose from the tree. He fell to the ground and landed on his back, clutching the bananas eagerly.  
  
Cave George pulled a banana out of the bunch and started to unpeel it, but before he had a chance to take a bite, a shadow fell over him. It was the shadow of Cave Binky, a filthy, fearsome-looking bulldog dressed in a mammoth skin.  
  
"Unga la gunga bunga!" Cave Binky exclaimed angrily.  
  
George started to tremble. The words made no sense, but he understood the meaning behind them all too well. He slowly crawled away from the banana tree. Binky bent over, grabbed George's precious bananas, and threw them over his shoulder. As he started happily on his way, he reached up and snatched a single banana from one of the lower bunches in the tree. George sank his head into his hands dejectedly.  
  
Hours later, as the increasingly hungry George continued his quest for sustenance, he saw a strange-looking object in the distance. As he drew closer, he observed that it was very tall, black, and perfectly rectangular. He gazed upon it in wonder, while the opening bars of Richard Strauss' "Also Sprach Zarathustra" played in the background.  
  
Not long afterward, as Binky sat in his cave eating bananas and humming contendedly, an angry George suddenly appeared in the cave entrance. Binky glanced at him and grunted threateningly.  
  
Then George lowered his head, aiming his antlers directly at Binky's position. When Binky saw this, he rose to his feet and glowered at the intruder.  
  
With a mighty roar, George charged at Binky, his antlers still pointed forward. Binky's confident smirk started to fade. Soon George was only ten feet away, and showed no signs of lessening his speed.  
  
Binky cried in terror and ran sideways, narrowly avoiding George's antlers. He scurried towards the cave entrance, George dogging his tracks all the way.  
  
As the frightened Binky fled, George stopped at the entrance and growled menacingly. "Ooga googa la booga!" he shouted as he thumped his chest.  
  
"Would you mind telling us what that means?" asked Mr. Ratburn as George snapped back to his third-grade reality.  
  
"Uh...it's Paleozoic for, 'This is MY cave now!'" George explained.  
  
The other kids chuckled. Mr. Ratburn looked at George somberly.  
  
"Ah, the stone age," the teacher began to rhapsodize. "Back then, if you were lucky enough to survive your childhood, then you still had to contend with famine, disease, saber-toothed tigers, and worst of all, other humans. It was a jungle, where only the strongest survived. I, for one, am glad those days are behind us. Now, let's look at some examples of synonyms and antonyms..."  
  
Before Mr. Ratburn could resume his lecture, the classroom door swung open so forcefully that the doorknob punched a hole in the wall. Into the room trudged a hulking rhinoceros boy, wearing a somewhat baggy shirt and pants. All the kids gasped in shock, and Mr. Ratburn regarded the newcomer with curiosity.  
  
Then the rhino boy opened his mouth and spoke with Binky's voice. "What are you doofuses staring at?"  
  
After another moment or two of stunned silence, the kids began to laugh hysterically. Mr. Ratburn continued to gaze quizzically at the boy.  
  
Rhino Binky walked in front of the class and stamped his foot loudly. The kids stopped laughing. "Nobody laughs at the rhino!" he bellowed.  
  
The kids closed their mouths tightly, all except for Fern, who suddenly started to laugh again. Binky stamped again, and she covered her mouth bashfully.  
  
"Please be seated, Binky," said Mr. Ratburn calmly.  
  
Binky went to his usual desk, but found that he could no longer squeeze into it. So he walked forward to the teacher's desk, grabbed the plush chair that sat next to it, moved it a few yards away, and sat down on it, folding his arms.  
  
"Hmm," mused Mr. Ratburn as he took a seat on top of his desk. "Kids turning into rhinoceroses. I thought it was just a wild rumor. Amazing."  
  
"So," said Rhino Binky impatiently, "are you gonna teach me, or what?"  
  
Mr. Ratburn gave him a puzzled look. The kids, one and all, stared at him with astonishment.  
  
"Fine," said Binky petulantly. "If you don't wanna teach me, I'll just run around and smash stuff."  
  
"No, that won't be necessary," said Mr. Ratburn a bit nervously. "We were talking about synonyms and antonyms. Can anyone give me an example of..."  
  
"Hold it!" Binky exclaimed. "Did I miss something? You'd better start over from the beginning."  
  
Mr. Ratburn sighed deeply.  
  
----  
  
As the kids left the classroom, most of them circled around Binky, marvelling at his new form but keeping a safe distance. Only a few dared to come close enough to speak.  
  
One of them was Muffy. "Where did you get those awful, baggy clothes?" she asked haughtily.  
  
"They're my dad's," said Binky gruffly. "What's your excuse?"  
  
"Hmph," said Muffy, offended.  
  
Moments later, Buster approached him eagerly. "Binky, I know what's causing these transformations. It's the first stage of an alien invasion plot."  
  
"Yeah, right," grumbled Binky incredulously.  
  
"First," Buster continued, "they turn us into all kinds of different animals, in order to confuse us."  
  
"It's a little late for that," Binky remarked.  
  
"Second, they generate a huge EMF pulse to knock out our electronic equipment."  
  
"Third, once we're all microwaved, they serve us up for dinner," said Binky sarcastically.  
  
"How'd you know that?"  
  
Rhino Binky clenched his ham-sized fists. "I'm gonna count to ten, and then I'm gonna pound you into a fine white powder. One. Two. Three..."  
  
"One," said Buster quickly.  
  
"Two. Three. Four..."  
  
"One."  
  
"Two. Three..."  
  
Not long afterward, Arthur and Francine were walking down the hallway, discussing Binky's astonishing metamorphosis.  
  
"I've heard that dozens of kids have turned into rhinos," said Francine. "Nobody knows what's causing it."  
  
"Whatever it is, I think the Tibble twins have got it," said Arthur. "Mrs. Tibble says they're sick, but you can hear things breaking a mile away."  
  
As they spoke, Buster came running towards them. He stopped in front of them, pulled out his inhaler, and gave himself a dose.  
  
"Binky's gone totally psycho!" he said after catching his breath. "I barely escaped with my life!"  
  
"We're doomed," Arthur groaned. "Nothing can save us from Binky now. He's twice as big and twice as strong."  
  
"And twice as dumb," Francine observed. "So there's still hope."  
  
----  
  
During morning recess, most of the kids in Arthur's class (indeed, most of the kids in the school) made it their first order of business to stay as far away from Binky as possible. Not all of them were successful.  
  
George strolled nonchalantly across the playground, unwrapping a candy bar that he had brought from home. Suddenly it became dark...very dark. Too dark.  
  
Wondering what had happened to the sun, George stopped and turned his head. As the strains of "Also Sprach Zarathustra" once again played in the background, he beheld a towering colossus before him...  
  
...but this time it was Rhino Binky instead of an alien monolith.  
  
George knew the routine. He lowered his head meekly and held out the candy bar.  
  
"Keep it," said Binky, much to the moose boy's surprise.  
  
As George withdrew his hand, Binky began to lecture him. "You know what, George? You're just asking to be bullied. Walking across the playground with a candy bar in plain sight...it's like sharks and blood. The bullies can't resist."  
  
"I never thought of that," said George.  
  
"Don't sweat it," Binky continued. "You don't have to worry about bullies anymore. From this day on, I, Binky 'The Rhino' Barnes, will be your best buddy, pal, and protector."  
  
George gaped with disbelief. Could it possibly be true?  
  
"That's right," said Binky warmly. "Anybody who picks on you will have to answer to me. And when they do, I'll clobber 'em."  
  
After a moment's thought, George smiled broadly. "You got it!"  
  
Not far away, Arthur, Francine, and Buster were gathered on the basketball court around Sue Ellen, who was trying to break her hoop record.  
  
"So I was thinking," said Francine, "since you haven't been here very long, and we haven't taken the opportunity to get to know you well..."  
  
"That's very nice of you," said Sue Ellen as she concentrated on her next shot.  
  
"You may not be aware of this," Francine continued, "but all the other kids think you're cool. Some of them have even taken up tae kwon do because of you."  
  
"That's funny," Sue Ellen remarked. "I never see them at my dojo. Do they go to a different studio?"  
  
"Uh..."  
  
As Francine struggled for an answer, Rhino Binky lumbered towards the basketball court, with George following not far behind.  
  
"Here he comes," said Arthur with a knowing smile.  
  
"This should be fun to watch," said Buster.  
  
Binky confronted Sue Ellen, whose head barely made it up to the level of his ribcage. He glared threateningly at the pint-sized girl.  
  
"What do you want, Binky?" Sue Ellen asked calmly.  
  
"My friend George here wants to shoot some hoops," said Binky as he snatched the ball from her hands. She stood still, lowering her arms, not showing any trace of anger.  
  
As Binky handed the basketball to the eager George, Arthur, Francine, and Buster watched Sue Ellen with baited breath, expecting her to launch a bone-crunching attack at any second.  
  
George wandered away from the group and started to practice his shots. Meanwhile, Binky took hold of the hairband on the right side of Sue Ellen's head and carefully removed it, causing her hair puff to droop.  
  
"I never liked your hairstyle," he commented as he started to remove the left hairband. Soon Sue Ellen's curly hair was hanging down to her shoulders.  
  
Arthur's, Buster's, and Francine's jaws dropped lower and lower as they watched her suffer these indignities in stoic silence.  
  
Then Binky dropped the hairbands, bent over, and started to unlace Sue Ellen's shoes, again without encountering any resistance. Once he had untied them, he joined the left and right shoelaces in a square knot.  
  
He straightened up. "You and I really need to spend more quality time together," he quipped.  
  
As the rhino boy walked away gloating, Arthur bent over and attempted to unmake the tight knot in Sue Ellen's shoelaces, while Francine chided her.  
  
"I don't believe it! How could you let him do those things to you? Why didn't you fight him?"  
  
"Yeah!" Buster complained. "He embarrassed you in front of all your friends!"  
  
"The whole point of martial arts is to avoid violence," said Sue Ellen wisely. "Just because you can beat up somebody doesn't mean you should."  
  
"It's just like Bionic Bunny always says," Buster added. "With great power comes great responsibility."  
  
"I'm so disappointed in you!" said Francine indignantly. "You're the only one of us he's afraid of, and now he's not afraid of you anymore."  
  
"Yeah," Buster lamented. "Some anti-Binky device you turned out to be."  
  
"Besides," said Sue Ellen as she started to replace her hairbands, "even with tae kwon do, it would be really hard for me to defeat someone that big and strong."  
  
"Yeah," said Buster. "His dad shot him twice with a hunting rifle, and it didn't hurt him. How do you beat a guy with bulletproof skin?"  
  
"Buster, would you please choose one side or the other?" said Arthur as he was retying Sue Ellen's shoelaces.  
  
"Come on, Buster," said Francine. "We'll have to find someone else to protect us from that big scary rhinoceros." She shot Sue Ellen a dirty look, then turned and walked away with Buster.  
  
Arthur stood up after finishing with Sue Ellen's laces. "I'm sorry Francine is being so rude," he said to her. "It's been a really crazy day, with the rhinos and all..."  
  
"You don't need to apologize," she replied with a hint of repressed outrage.  
  
George came up to her, holding the basketball. "You can have your ball back if you..."  
  
Sue Ellen walked away without a word.  
  
Her expression remained stoic as she made her way to the school building and into the girls' washroom.  
  
Once there, she looked at herself in the mirror, and started to adjust her hairbands.  
  
After doing this for a few seconds, she stopped. Her eyes filled with tears.  
  
The students passing by the washrooms were shocked when they heard Sue Ellen screaming with anger.  
  
She screamed again and again.  
  
And her voice was changing...getting deeper...rougher...  
  
(to be continued) 


	4. Chapter 4

Some students began to congregate outside the door to the girls' washroom, wondering what all the angry screaming was about. Among them were Brain, Fern, and Prunella.  
  
"Sue Ellen must be having a really bad day," Brain remarked.  
  
"She's a Gemini," said Prunella. "According to her horoscope, she's suffered a severe personal setback."  
  
The voice from the girls' room no longer sounded like Sue Ellen at all... indeed, it seemed barely human.  
  
"I'm going in," said Fern helpfully. "Maybe she'll talk to me about it."  
  
As she reached for the door, someone opened it from the inside.  
  
Fern recoiled in horror. The other students gasped collectively.  
  
The doorway was filled by a large, angry rhino girl, squeezed into Sue Ellen's clothing almost to the point of suffocation. Orange hair puffs adorned her head. Her nose, which was not quite as large as Binky's, featured one horn instead of two. And she had only one thing on her mind...  
  
"WHERE'S BINKY?" she roared.  
  
The kids stepped back, horrified, as Rhino Sue Ellen lumbered about, glancing from side to side in search of her enemy. Her large nostrils breathed in and out rapidly, creating a surprisingly refreshing breeze.  
  
Brain stood forward and confronted her. "Sue Ellen, listen to me! You're not thinking straight! You must control your savage animal instincts!"  
  
"Tell me where Binky is!" she barked at him.  
  
"Why?" Brain asked. "What are you going to do to him?"  
  
Sue Ellen didn't answer, but started to sniff the air. "I smell Binky!" she said after a few seconds of sniffing. "That way!"  
  
She charged toward the school's rear exit while Brain and Fern chased after her, struggling to keep up with the fast-moving rhino girl.  
  
"Wait! Stop!" Fern cried after her. "Listen to us! We're your friends!"  
  
Behind the school, Rhino Binky was consulting with Rattles, while Molly and some of the other Tough Customers looked on.  
  
"From now on, this school will be run my way," Binky proclaimed. "The rest of you can help if you want, but I call the shots, you got it?"  
  
"Uh...sure, Binky," said the nervous Rattles. "We're behind you all the way. Isn't that right, guys?"  
  
The other Tough Customers nodded their assent.  
  
"Great," said Binky. "Now, our first goal is to eliminate homework...."  
  
As Binky explained his master plan, he glimpsed out of the corner of his eye a large crowd of students and teachers heading in his direction.  
  
And in front of the crowd, another rhinoceros...  
  
"Oh...my...gosh..." muttered Binky as he turned his head for a closer look.  
  
"What is it?" asked Molly. "What's happening?"  
  
"Omigosh," said Binky, his voice filled with fear. "Sue Ellen's a rhino. I'm dead meat. I've gotta get out of here!"  
  
Rattles slapped him on the back. "Come on, Binky. You're not afraid to fight a girl, even if she is a rhino."  
  
By this time Rhino Sue Ellen had trudged to within three yards of Binky's position.  
  
"Binky Barnes, you are DEAD!" she roared angrily.  
  
Binky struggled to beat back his fear. He confronted the rhino girl, trying hard to appear sure of himself. "Bring it on, girl, bring it on. We'll see who's dead."  
  
Binky's defiant words only made Sue Ellen angrier. She decided to intimidate him by demonstrating some tae kwon do kicks and punches...but the first time she attempted a side kick, she lost her balance and fell forwards on her face.  
  
Binky laughed. The Tough Customers laughed. Some of the kids in the crowd laughed.  
  
Binky started to circle around her. "It's not the same now that you're a rhino," he gloated. "Your center of gravity has shifted. You'll have to train all over again."  
  
Sue Ellen pushed herself up and struggled to her feet, but Binky could see that the confidence was draining from her face. He continued to circle around her, as she rotated to face him.  
  
"We don't have to fight," said Binky calmly. "What are you angry about, anyway? I was nice to you for a long time, and then I humiliated you once. Big deal. It won't happen again, now that you're one of us."  
  
"What do you mean?" Sue Ellen grumbled.  
  
"Look around you," Binky went on. "You and I aren't the only kids who have changed. Something's happening to this city, and it's wonderful!"  
  
Binky fell silent, hoping that Sue Ellen would respond positively. Instead, she turned and walked away from him, sulking.  
  
As she passed by, Fern tried to get her attention. "Sue Ellen, talk to us!"  
  
"Leave me alone!" she cried bitterly.  
  
Brain and Fern followed her at a safe distance as she rounded the corner of the school. They watched her storm past the front entrance, pushing over garbage cans, uprooting plants, and even smashing a hole in a car window with her horn.  
  
"This is bad," Brain said to Fern. "Very bad."  
  
"On the contrary," said Prunella, who had caught up with the pair, followed by Arthur, Buster, Muffy, and Francine.  
  
"What do you mean, Prunella?" asked Brain, surprised.  
  
"Alan, this is one of those situations where the laws of reason don't apply," Prunella went on. "People don't start turning into rhinoceroses because of some scientific principle. The answer is to be found on the metaphysical plane."  
  
"Sounds like mumbo-jumbo to me," Muffy griped.  
  
"I still say it's the first stage of an alien invasion," said Buster.  
  
"Let me finish," said Prunella impatiently. "You see, the universe is always trying to better itself by creating more positive vibrations and eliminating negative vibrations. In this case, it's decided that certain people need to be replaced by rhinoceroses."  
  
"That's crazy!" Brain retorted. "How can you call a human turning into a rhinoceros an improvement? Rhinoceroses are mindless jungle beasts!"  
  
"Mindless jungle beasts are here for a reason," Prunella continued. "Otherwise, the universe would have eliminated them by now. You see, everything has a balance..."  
  
"I've heard enough!" shouted Brain. The other kids backed a few steps away from him.  
  
"If you don't like what I have to say," Prunella shot back, "then come up with your own scientific explanation, Mr. Brain."  
  
"I don't have one," said Brain sadly. "But one will be found, eventually. Science will prevail."  
  
"I knew it!" Prunella exulted. "You can't explain it! You and your scientific methods are nothing when matched against the desires of the universe!" Having said this, she raised her arms and gazed into the sky. "And if the universe desires that I should become a rhinoceros, then so be it!"  
  
The other kids barely had time to roll their eyes when Prunella suddenly clutched her throat, unable to breathe. She sank to her knees, her eyes glazing over...  
  
"Something's wrong with her!" cried Arthur. "Muffy, your cell phone!"  
  
As Muffy dialed the emergency number on her cell phone, the prostrate Prunella started to change shape. The kids couldn't believe how quickly the transformation took place. When it was complete, they stepped backwards in shock and horror.  
  
"We've got another rhino," said Muffy into her cell phone. "It's a jungle out here."  
  
(to be continued) 


	5. Chapter 5

Arthur, Buster, Francine, Muffy, Brain, and Fern watched unbelievingly as Prunella rose...and rose...and rose to her feet, ripping her blouse in several places in the process. Her head was roughly the same size as Binky's, and two horns, one larger than the other, sat on the bridge of her nose. She looked around at the other kids, as if surprised at how short they had suddenly become.  
  
"It worked?" she said in a low, gruff voice. "I'm a rhino?"  
  
"Uh, yeah," said Francine nervously.  
  
"I know this may sound funny," said Brain, "but I liked you better when you were a rat."  
  
Muffy pushed the off button on her cell phone. "All the local hospitals are overrun with rhinos!" she said with amazement. "And the doctors can't find a darn thing wrong with any of them."  
  
Prunella smiled a huge rhinoceros smile. The small black dots that were her eyes gazed dreamily into space.  
  
"This is what I was always meant to be. I've found my place in the cosmos. I feel so...so at one with nature!"  
  
As she raved ecstatically, Principal Haney walked out through the school's front entrance. He stopped and sighed when he laid eyes on Rhino Prunella.  
  
"Go home, all of you," he ordered, waving his hands. "The school is closed for the day." With that, he turned and went back into the building.  
  
"Did you hear that?" exclaimed Buster. "No school today! Vacation! Woohoo!"  
  
"Leave it to you to look at the bright side of things," quipped Arthur as the rabbit boy pumped his fists.  
  
"I think I'll go smash something," said Prunella in her gravelly rhino voice. "Anybody with me?"  
  
All the kids gave her a blank, confused stare.  
  
"Well," Prunella went on, "destruction is just as much a part of the cosmic process as creation..."  
  
"Shut up!" Brain cried angrily at her. "Get out of here! Go! You're no longer one of us!"  
  
Prunella looked injured for a moment, then folded her trunk-sized arms with indignation.  
  
"You're right, Alan. I'm no longer one of you. I've transcended you. I know who my true friends are."  
  
Having said this, she whirled on her heel and walked away from the other kids. As she passed a lamp post, she struck it with her horn and made a dent.  
  
"I think you hurt her feelings, Brain," Fern remarked.  
  
"Well, what was I supposed to do?" said Brain sharply. "Encourage her? She thinks this is all some kind of positive astrological phenomenon. But it's not. It's evil, and it has to be stopped!"  
  
"What can we do?" Francine asked.  
  
"Meet me at my house after lunch," said Brain as he turned to leave the group. "Bring any of your friends who haven't gone over yet. We'll think of a way to fight this thing."  
  
----  
  
"Continuing with today's top story," said the aardvark newswoman, "the number of recorded cases of the strange phenomenon which the news media has labeled 'rhinocerosis' has risen to over two hundred. So far the outbreak has been limited to Elwood City, and only children have been affected. Our field reporter, Wolf Blitzen, will fill you in on what's known about this mystery disease, and how you can protect your family. Over to you, Wolf."  
  
"This is Wolf Blitzen reporting live from Elwood City," said the wolf-like newsman. Since the beginning of the day, over two hundred children have been transformed into rhinoceroses. Local doctors are baffled by this bizarre metamorphosis, and have no medical explanation for it. Experts from the Mustard Clinic have been called in to investigate, but have no results to report yet. I'm talking to one of those experts right now. Dr. Jackal, would you like to give the viewing audience a rundown of the symptoms of rhinocerosis?"  
  
"Gladly," said the woman doctor standing next to him (she was, of course, a jackal). "The most obvious symptom of this new and mysterous syndrome is the change of species of the victims. Besides that, there is generally a marked rise in aggressive, antisocial behavior, as well as a significant decline in problem-solving and analytical skills."  
  
"Thank you," said Wolf. "Now, what can you tell us about possible cures for this disease, or methods of prevention?"  
  
"We don't have a cure or a vaccine yet," Dr. Jackal replied, "since we've only known about the disease since this morning. However, our studies indicate that the transformation is usually triggered by emotional agitation, such as anger or fear. However, there have been cases of kids simply wishing that they were rhinos, and then changing. My advice to the kids in Elwood City who are watching this broadcast is, don't panic. Stay calm. Don't dream about being a rhino. From what we can tell so far, that's the best way to prevent rhinocerosis."  
  
"Maybe it's like chicken pox," said Arthur as he watched the news broadcast. "Maybe you get it for a week, then it goes away, then you never get it again."  
  
D.W., sitting next to him on the couch, was running her hand over the bridge of her nose. Suddenly she cried out fearfully.  
  
"Arthur! There's a bump on my nose! I'm turning into a rhinostrilus!"  
  
"That's rhinoceros," said Arthur. He reached over and rubbed D.W.'s nose. "Hmm...nothing here...still nothing...oh, wait, I feel it now."  
  
"What is it, Arthur?" asked D.W. anxiously. "Is it a horn?"  
  
"No, it's too small to be a horn," said Arthur. "I think it's your brain."  
  
"Ha, ha," D.W. grumbled. "I'm a lucky little girl to have such a funny big brother."  
  
On the screen, the aardvark newswoman was wrapping up the broadcast. "We'll keep you posted every half hour with the latest developments in Elwood City's Day of the Rhinos. Now, back to our regularly scheduled programming."  
  
"Mary Moo Cow, Mary Moo Cow, we love you..."  
  
Arthur groaned and rose from the couch. "As soon as this is over, I get to watch Bunny League," he told D.W.  
  
"Yeah, whatever," D.W. replied.  
  
Arthur wandered into the kitchen, sat on a chair, and looked out the window into the street. Normally he would be excited about having a day off from school, but now all he could do was worry about his friends...Binky, Sue Ellen, Prunella...who had morphed into wild jungle beasts, possibly forever.  
  
As he watched through the window, Vicita Molina meandered down the sidewalk, clutching a string that was attached to an animal-shaped hot air balloon. Suddenly two rhino boys, each one of them easily twice Vicita's size, blocked her path. One of them grabbed the string from her hand, yanked the balloon downward, and pushed it against his horn, popping it. Then he handed the string back to Vicita.  
  
As the rhino boys walked away, Vicita dropped the string and burst into tears. After she had cried loudly and bitterly for several seconds, she suddenly stopped. Her eyes widened. Her body quivered.  
  
Arthur watched in surprise as Vicita puffed up like a sea urchin, straining and ripping her dress. Where there had once been a cute little Ecuadorian girl, there was now a furious rhino girl with dark brown hair. Seething with anger, she charged down the sidewalk in the direction of the boys who had tormented her.  
  
Arthur continued to gaze out the window sadly. What if all the kids in Elwood City turned into rhinos? Or all the kids in the world? What if they spent all their time doing nothing but smashing things with their horns?  
  
His imagination wandered back a few minutes to the rude joke he had played on D.W.  
  
"It's too small to be a horn," he said. "I think it's your brain."  
  
D.W.'s eyes brimmed with tears. "You insulted me!" she whined. "You think I'm stupid! You have no respect for my intelligence! You're a bad big brother! I hate you! I'd rather live in the street than with you! I never want to..."  
  
Suddenly D.W. stopped whining and started to shake violently. Her limbs started to swell. Her nose protruded outwards, and a large horn grew on top of it. Arthur jumped from the couch and backed away from her, terrified.  
  
Within moments, D.W. was a full-fledged four-year-old rhinoceros. She stood up, and Arthur observed that she was now almost his height.  
  
"Pick on me, will you?" she growled in an unnaturally low voice. "I'll show you! You'll never watch Bunny League again!"  
  
With that, she thrust her horn directly into the TV screen, crushing it to shards.  
  
"NOOOOO!" cried Arthur in horror, as his fantasy dissolved.  
  
Suddenly worried, Arthur rose from his chair in the kitchen and returned to the living room, where D.W. was watching Mary Moo Cow obliviously.  
  
"Hey, D.W.?" he said in a friendly tone.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I'm sorry I made fun of your brain."  
  
"That's okay," said D.W. indifferently.  
  
Arthur sat on the couch next to his sister. "Hey, D.W.?" he said again.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I really like having you as a little sister."  
  
D.W. smiled but didn't turn her gaze away from the TV.  
  
"Hey, D.W.?" said Arthur for the third time.  
  
"Shut up, Arthur," D.W. shot back.  
  
The phone rang. Arthur stood up and answered it.  
  
"Arthur!" came Brain's worried voice. "Are you still human?"  
  
"Well, yeah," Arthur replied, "in a manner of speaking."  
  
"Everybody else is at my house," Brain notified him. "Are you coming?"  
  
Arthur slapped his forehead. "Oh, man, I forgot! I'll be right over!"  
  
He hung up the phone and called down the stairs to his mother, who was folding the laundry. "Mom, I'm going to Brain's!"  
  
"Okay, Arthur," Mrs. Read called back. "Watch out for rhinos."  
  
Before leaving, Arthur stopped by the living room once more. "D.W., I'm going to Brain's. You can watch whatever you want."  
  
D.W. turned to face him. "Can I go to Alan's house too?"  
  
"No," said Arthur. "This is a meeting for smart people."  
  
He stuck his hand over his mouth when he realized what he had just said, but it was too late...D.W.'s eyes were welling up with tears.  
  
"You insulted me!" she whined. "You think I'm stupid! You have no respect for my intelligence! You're a bad big brother! I hate you! I'd rather live in the street than with you! I never want to..."  
  
Suddenly D.W. stopped whining and started to shake violently.  
  
Arthur turned and fled through the front door of the house, screaming in terror...  
  
(to be continued) 


	6. Chapter 6

Arthur walked up to the front door of Brain's house and rang the doorbell. "Come in, Arthur," came Brain's voice from inside.  
  
As he entered, he saw a large group of kids gathered in the living room. In addition to Brain, there was Buster, Muffy, Francine, Fern, George, Jenna, and Molly.  
  
"D.W.'s got rhinocerosis," Arthur announced sadly as he took his place in the circle of kids. "She's one of them now. I barely made it out of the house before she could attack me."  
  
"Rattles is a rhino now," said Molly. "It didn't take him long to figure out that all he had to do was wish really hard. I'll bet all the other Tough Customers have turned into rhinos too."  
  
"This isn't good at all," said Brain gloomily. "One kid turns into a rhino, then another kid turns into a rhino to be equal with the first kid, and so on, and so on. It's a chain reaction. If we don't stop it soon, we'll all be rhinos."  
  
"But what can we do?" Jenna wondered. "We can't stop people from wishing that they were rhinos."  
  
"Maybe not," Brain continued. "But we can reason with them. Show them the advantages of being human as opposed to being a rhino. Civilization and the rule of law, versus brutality and the law of the jungle, and all that."  
  
"Can you possibly condense that into a five-second sound bite?" asked Muffy.  
  
"You're going about it all wrong, you know," said Buster. "I say we put on rhino costumes, sneak into the alien base, and blow up their transmogrifier."  
  
"But what about the kids who have already turned into rhinos?" said Francine. "Without the transmogrifier, you can't change them back."  
  
"Uh...well..." Buster stammered, "while we're in the alien base, we'll steal the blueprints, and then we'll build our own transmogrifier, and change them back."  
  
"But the aliens have superior minds," said Fern. "Only they can understand the blueprints."  
  
"And they're written in an alien language," George added.  
  
"And on top of all that," said Arthur, "we don't even know where the alien base is."  
  
Buster sighed. "They make it look so easy on Star Trek."  
  
"I'm still waiting for my sound bite," said Muffy impatiently.  
  
"How's this, Muffy?" Francine suggested. "Humans good, rhinos bad."  
  
"I like it," said Molly. "It's simple and catchy."  
  
"Then it's settled," said Brain officiously.  
  
----  
  
Later that afternoon, George was strolling casually down the sidewalk, eating a donut and wearing a shirt with the slogan, HUMANS GOOD, RHINOS BAD. Before he knew it, he was surrounded by four large rhino kids, including Binky and Rattles.  
  
"Hey, little buddy," said Binky. "How's my bestest friend in the whole world doing?"  
  
"Uh...I'm fine, Binky," said George nervously.  
  
"Look at his shirt," said Rattles, pointing.  
  
"What does it say?" asked one of the other rhinos.  
  
Binky tried to read the message on the shirt. "Hu...mans... The first word is 'humans', I think."  
  
"It says, 'Humans good, rhinos bad,'" said George. When he realized what he had said, he put both hands over his mouth.  
  
"What does that mean?" asked Rattles.  
  
"Uh, I think it means that humans are good and rhinos are bad," said Binky, "but don't quote me on that."  
  
"Humans are good...rhinos are bad..." mumbled the other rhinos thoughtfully.  
  
"Man, you guys are getting dumber all the time," said George candidly. Then his eyes widened as he realized how much trouble his big mouth was getting him into.  
  
"He just dissed us," said Rattles angrily. "I say we beat him up."  
  
Binky glowered at Rattles. "I say we don't. George is my friend. And someday George and I are gonna have a place of our own, with pigs, and chickens, and cows, and goats, and rabbits. Isn't that right, George?"  
  
"That's right, Binky."  
  
Rattles glowered right back at Binky. "Fine. We'll beat you up, too. C'mon, guys."  
  
George racked his brain for ideas while Rattles and the two other rhino boys advanced menacingly towards him and Binky.  
  
"Don't be afraid, Binky," he finally said. "We've got them outnumbered."  
  
"Outnumbered?" said Rattles with surprise.  
  
"Yeah, outnumbered," said George. "Two to three."  
  
Confused, Rattles and his two friends started to count on their fingers. As they were distracted, Binky and George started to run down the sidewalk to safety...or so they thought.  
  
"Hey, three is more than two!" cried one of Rattles' rhino lackeys.  
  
"They tried to pull a fast one on us!" complained the other.  
  
"They must think we're stupid," said Rattles. "There they go! C'mon!"  
  
Binky ran along the street with all his might. Hearing no footsteps behind him, he assumed that he was far out of reach of his pursuers.  
  
Then it occurred to him. If he didn't hear any footsteps, then where was George?  
  
He stopped and whirled around, panicked. Half a block away, the three rhino thugs had accosted the slow-running George. Rattles grabbed the moose boy by the collar and lifted him off the ground until their faces were even.  
  
"Your moose is cooked, antler boy," Rattles threatened.  
  
Seeing no other hope for himself, George summoned up as much fury as he could manage. His eyes bulged. He snorted through his nostrils.  
  
"You're making me angry," he growled.  
  
The three rhino boys chuckled. Binky rushed towards them as fast as he could, hoping he was not too late to save his small friend.  
  
"I'm gonna wipe that smart mouth right off your face," said Rattles, making a fist with his free hand.  
  
George's frame started to shake. His limbs began to swell up.  
  
"YOU'RE MAKING ME ANGRY!" he roared loudly.  
  
As Rattles reared back his fist, George's body began to expand...  
  
...and expand...  
  
...and expand.  
  
Rattles was forced to let go of his collar as it rose higher and higher.  
  
George, now a rhino almost twice the size of Rattles, ripped off his tattered shirt. The antlers had fallen from his head, but on the crest of his nose sat not one, not two, but...three horns.  
  
Rattles and his two thugs turned and fled in terror. Binky stopped in mid-stride, astonished at the transformation he had witnessed.  
  
George turned around, looked down at him, and spoke in a deep bass voice. "Hey, little buddy."  
  
(to be continued) 


	7. Chapter 7

"This is Wolf Blitzen reporting live from Elwood City. I have with me three local kids who are making a statement about the rhino crisis in this city. Their names are Alan Powers, Francine Frensky, and Arthur Read."  
  
Next to the news reporter stood Brain, Francine, and Arthur, all dressed in shirts with the slogan HUMANS GOOD, RHINOS BAD.  
  
"I understand that these shirts were your idea, Alan," said Wolf, pointing the microphone at Brain.  
  
"That's right, sir," said Brain.  
  
As Wolf interviewed Brain, three rhino kids raced carelessly down the street in the background. There was the sound of a cat screaming, followed by a woman crying out, "My kitty!"  
  
"'Humans good, rhinos bad' is a short, succinct message," Wolf continued, "but I'm sure there's more to it than that. For the benefit of our viewing audience, would you mind expanding a little on what you're trying to get across?"  
  
"The way we see it," said Brain, "humans represent civilization, culture, and reason, while rhinos represent..."  
  
"Thank you very much, Alan," said Wolf, pulling the microphone away from him. "We appear to be out of time. Next up, Kennedy and Holmes will debate the situation in Elwood City. Don't go away."  
  
The scene on the TV screen shifted to two men on opposite ends of a table.  
  
"Welcome to Kennedy and Holmes," said the man on the left. "I'm Kennedy, and this is Holmes. Tonight's topic: Where have all the children gone? They've turned into rhinos, everyone. Holmes, why don't you get us started?"  
  
"Glad to," said Holmes. "First off, as the audience is certainly aware by now, I'm a firm believer in the right of every individual to choose his or her lifestyle without coercion. And that right extends to choosing one's own species as well. If the kids in Elwood City choose to be rhinos instead of humans, then that's their right, and we should respect that."  
  
"You said 'choose'," Kennedy responded. "But it's not a choice. Kids are turning into rhinos against their will."  
  
"You make it sound like some kind of alien invasion plot," said Holmes. "And I admit, it may look that way, but remember, the phenomenon is still in its first day. As it progresses, we may find that the kids do have a choice after all."  
  
"Even assuming they do have a choice," said Kennedy, "we can't expect eight- and nine-year-old kids to make such a choice responsibly. Think about it. If you're my kid, and I ask you if you'd rather stay the way you are, with school and homework and all that, or become a rhino, and do nothing all day but run around smashing things and eating grass, what's your answer gonna be?"  
  
"You talk about smashing things and eating grass like it's something bad," Holmes retorted. "That's what rhinos do in the wild. It's not evil, it's just their nature. And who are we to say our nature is better than theirs?"  
  
"We're humans," Kennedy answered.  
  
"And what exactly does that imply?" Holmes shot back.  
  
"I'll tell you," said Kennedy, "right after this commercial break."  
  
A pitchman wearing a rhinoceros mask appeared on the TV screen.  
  
"Attention, kids of Elwood City!" he announced. "All your friends have turned into rhinos. And that can only mean one thing. You have to turn into a rhino, too! And after you do, charge on down to the Rhino Emporium's grand opening! We've got the latest fashions...actually, the only fashions...designed with your new body in mind. Shirts, jeans, blouses, shoes, all guaranteed to bring out the beast in you. So what are you waiting for? Join the stampede today!"  
  
Not long after the airing of this commercial, a line of dozens, if not hundreds, of rhino kids formed outside of the Mall-In-One. Many of them wore ripped clothing or no clothing at all, and they spoke as if under a hypnotic influence.  
  
"Must...buy...rhino...clothes," droned Rhino Sue Ellen.  
  
"Too...stupid...to...resist," said Rhino Prunella, who stood behind her.  
  
Inside the Rhino Emporium store, an unruly mob tore open and overturned boxes of clothing until the floor was blanketed with garments. Two rhino boys dueled with their horns over a pair of extra-large jeans.  
  
A rhino girl walked up to the store clerk and placed a large red blouse on the counter. The clerk ran his scanner over it. "That'll be one hundred dollars."  
  
"Do you take Visa?" asked the rhino girl, pulling out her credit card.  
  
"I certainly do," said the clerk as he snatched her card away. "Have a nice day."  
  
As the rhino girl slung her new blouse over her shoulder and turned to leave the store, two more rhinos appeared in the entrance, paying no attention to the queue. One was Binky, and the other was the towering uber-rhino, George.  
  
"Listen up, everybody!" Binky cried out. "My friend George here wants to buy some clothes, and he likes his space. So clear the heck out!"  
  
The rhinos in the store sized up George with trepidation, then all at once began to stampede their way past him and Binky.  
  
Now unhindered, George lumbered over to the checkout counter. "Got anything in my size?" he bellowed.  
  
The clerk gazed up at George's immense frame. "Uh...we'll have to special order."  
  
Rhino George stared down at the clerk, who stared up at him wordlessly. The mutual staring continued for several seconds.  
  
"I'm waiting," boomed George.  
  
Meanwhile, Arthur, Brain, Muffy, and Francine were strolling past the shops, clad in their HUMANS GOOD, RHINOS BAD T-shirts.  
  
"I can't believe you got me into one of these shirts," Muffy grumbled. "They're soooo tacky."  
  
"We've got to get our message to the people somehow," said Brain, "and if the news media won't give us more than a few seconds..."  
  
"You know," said Muffy, "I could just rent a few billboards."  
  
As they passed by the Rhino Emporium, they were shocked to see a vast number of rhino kids entering, leaving, and loitering outside the store.  
  
"Omigosh! Look at them!" Francine marveled. "It's worse than I imagined!"  
  
"What if they see our shirts?" said Muffy anxiously.  
  
"I'll bet they can't read anymore," said Arthur.  
  
One of the girl rhinos approached them; they were surprised to observe that she was wearing a rhino-sized shirt with the message, HUMANS GOOD, RHINOS BETTER.  
  
"Hi, Francine," she said in a vaguely familiar voice.  
  
Francine's eyes widened. "J-Jenna?"  
  
"Yeah," said Rhino Jenna. "What do you think?"  
  
"Er...ah..." Francine stammered.  
  
"The nose is a definite improvement," said Muffy.  
  
"Thanks," said Jenna, patting her two-horned nose. "Hey, some of us are going to trash the sports store. Wanna come?"  
  
"Uh...no, thanks," said Francine.  
  
"You don't have to break anything," said Jenna. "You can just watch. It'll be fun. Besides, there's nothing on TV tonight."  
  
Francine became thoughtful. "Uh...well..."  
  
Brain grabbed her by the arm. "Come on, Francine. They're not your people."  
  
Francine yanked her arm away. "Hey, what's wrong with a little entertainment?"  
  
Brain suddenly stepped forward and slapped Francine resoundingly on the cheek. Arthur, Muffy, and Jenna gaped with surprise.  
  
Francine glared angrily at Brain, who looked down at his hand, shocked and ashamed at what he had done.  
  
Moments later, Francine calmed down and lowered her head. "Thanks, Brain. I really needed that."  
  
"Well, have fun anyway," said Jenna as she walked away from the group.  
  
"I'm sorry for slapping you," Brain said to Francine. "I thought for a second that you were starting to...well...go over."  
  
"Maybe I was," said Francine nervously. "Come on, let's get away from all these rhinos."  
  
As the four kids accelerated their pace through the mall, Brain's voice took on a serious tone.  
  
"If we want to win this battle, we've got to stick together. No one sleeps alone tonight!"  
  
(to be continued) 


	8. Chapter 8

When Arthur returned home that evening, he was surprised to see his parents collapsed on the living room couch, totally exhausted. The TV was turned on, with a newscaster presenting the latest rhino statistics.  
  
"Uh...Mom, Dad, I'm home," he announced.  
  
"Urgh," said Mr. and Mrs. Read, nodding weakly.  
  
In the kitchen, Kate sat in her high chair, crying and throwing food. Arthur glanced at her and found, to his relief, that she was still human...or, rather, aardvark.  
  
"It must not affect babies," he told himself.  
  
Then he heard loud pounding noises coming from his bedroom. He vaulted up the stairway, threw open the door...and gasped in utter horror.  
  
His bedroom looked like it had been hit by a weapon of mass destruction. His mattress had been ripped open, feathers blanketed the floor, the toys had been flung from the shelves, the mirror was shattered, holes had been punched in the walls...  
  
...and in the middle of it all frolicked four rhino kids--D.W., Vicita, and the Tibble twins.  
  
"Hi, Arthur," said D.W. in a gravelly but cheerful voice. "We ran out of stuff to break in my room. You don't mind, do you?"  
  
Behind D.W., the rhinos Tommy and Timmy squared off at each other.  
  
"My horn's bigger," said Tommy.  
  
"No, it's not," said Timmy, and the boys charged, collided, and fell on their backs.  
  
Arthur gritted his teeth. His eyes bulged. He breathed heavily. He held out his hands and curled his fingers, fully intending to strangle his sister...  
  
...and then he suddenly relaxed.  
  
"I mustn't get angry," he said to himself. "If I get angry, I'll turn into one of them."  
  
"That's...fine, D.W.," he spoke calmly. "I won't be sleeping here tonight anyway."  
  
With that, he walked slowly to his closet, opened the door, and found to his relief that his sleeping bag was undamaged. He pulled it out, brushed off the accumulated dust, and unfolded it.  
  
While he did so, Rhino Vicita scurried into the closet and grabbed Arthur's fishing pole. Holding the reel end with one hand, she pulled back on the other end until the pole was bent into a 180-degree arc, then let it fly.  
  
"Ow!" cried Arthur when the pole struck the back of his head. His anger began to rise again.  
  
"Must stay calm," he muttered as he dragged the sleeping bag out of his room. "Must...stay...calm..."  
  
Leaving the sleeping bag on the floor next to the upstairs bathroom, Arthur went in to get his toothbrush and toothpaste. "Mom, Dad, I'm staying at Brain's tonight," he called to his parents.  
  
"Uh-huh," his parents replied almost inaudibly.  
  
As Arthur bent over to roll up his sleeping bag, a Bionic Bunny action figure came flying from his bedroom and struck him directly in the nose.  
  
"Oops," said Rhino D.W. "Sorry, Arthur."  
  
Arthur smiled at her and rubbed his nose. "Good throw."  
  
----  
  
When Arthur entered Brain's house, lugging his sleeping bag, he noticed that the kids--Brain, Buster, Francine, Muffy, Fern, and Molly--were already dressed in their sleepwear. They sat on the couch and on the floor, watching the news on TV.  
  
"Hey, Arthur," said Buster. "What happened to your nose?"  
  
"I had a run-in with the Four Preschoolers of the Apocalypse," said Arthur, rubbing his scratched nose.  
  
"It's an apocalypse, all right," Brain remarked as Arthur laid down his sleeping bag. "They've blocked off the highways leading in and out of Elwood City. They're afraid rhinocerosis may spread to other cities."  
  
"Although no cases outside of this city have been reported yet," Fern added.  
  
"They're saying that one fourth of all the kids have become rhinos," said Francine.  
  
"It's scary," said Molly darkly. "It's, like, the end of the world as we know it."  
  
"It must be hard for you especially," Muffy said to her. "All your friends have changed already."  
  
"Yeah," said Arthur curiously. "What made you decide not to?"  
  
"Let's just say," Molly answered, "that I know a bad thing when I see one."  
  
Fifteen minutes passed as the kids shared their worries and Buster munched on some chocolate bars he had brought along. Finally all the kids, Brain included, laid their sleeping bags on the living room floor and started to crawl in.  
  
"Why aren't you sleeping in your bedroom, Brain?" Arthur asked.  
  
"I've got to stay out here and keep an eye on you guys," Brain answered.  
  
"I hope all those chocolate bars you ate won't give you nightmares," Muffy said to Buster.  
  
"Chocolate actually helps me sleep better," said Buster.  
  
"Especially in school," Francine quipped.  
  
"This is cool," said Fern. "It's like a slumber party, only there's boys."  
  
"We should do this at Muffy's," said Buster.  
  
"Don't get your hopes up," said Muffy.  
  
Brain turned off the lamp and laid down on top of his bag. "Be careful what you dream about," he advised. "I don't want to see any horns when I wake up. If at any time you feel yourself going..."  
  
"Run to the bathroom, quick!" joked Arthur.  
  
"That's not what I meant," said Brain.  
  
"Well, good night, everybody," said Francine. "Pleasant dreams."  
  
Several minutes later all the kids were snoring, except for Buster, who lay awake, wide-eyed with fear. His sensitive rabbit ears were picking up a strange noise...  
  
Into Brain's living room crept a small, green, scaly vine. It grew longer and moved about, hovering above all the kids in turn. Buster gasped in fright when he saw it floating over him briefly. Then he noticed a house plant suspended from the ceiling not far away; he had probably imagined it moving.  
  
Having examined all the kids, the vine accelerated its growth, producing larger leaves...and seven child-sized pods, strewn over the floor and the furniture.  
  
Buster became increasingly anxious as he heard a noise like someone trudging through a field of slime. Moving his eyes back and forth, he thought he saw a large vine rising from the floor, but then noticed a power cord nearby.  
  
"Must be the chocolate bars," he thought.  
  
The pods opened, and out of them crept mucus-covered duplicates of the kids, their eyes glowing phosphorescently in the darkened room.  
  
Buster closed his eyes tightly. "It's just fireflies," he told himself.  
  
The pod clones began to chant monotonically. "Destroy the originals...destroy the originals..."  
  
Buster sat up and screamed.  
  
Brain quickly reached up and turned on the lamp. "Are you all right, Buster?" he asked.  
  
"I...I think so," said Buster, panting. "It was just a bad dream."  
  
"Aliens?" asked Fern.  
  
"You had the same dream?" Buster marveled.  
  
"I dreamed it too," said Muffy. "Alien pod people taking over our bodies."  
  
Arthur extended his arms as he sat up. "The...rabbit...knows...our...secret..."  
  
Buster screamed in terror again.  
  
"Stop scaring him!" said Brain sternly. "You know what might happen."  
  
"Sorry," said Arthur, lowering his arms.  
  
The kids went back to sleep, and before long the rays of the morning sun awoke them.  
  
Fern yawned, stretched, and glanced at her watch. "Eight o'clock. We're late for school!"  
  
"School's closed," mumbled Arthur drowsily.  
  
Brain sat up, rubbed his eyes, and looked around the room. Arthur. Molly. Francine. Muffy. Fern. No Buster.  
  
Brain gasped. Buster was nowhere to be seen...  
  
(to be continued) 


	9. Chapter 9

"Buster!" cried Francine, still dressed in her pajamas, as she sorted through the soiled clothes in a laundry basket. "Are you in here?"  
  
"I'm glad it's you doing that and not me," said Muffy haughtily. "Once I drop a piece of dirty clothing down the chute, I don't see it again until it's clean." She picked up a steam iron, examined it, scowled, and put it back on the ironing board.  
  
"You won't find Buster by just standing there being a snob," Francine shot back.  
  
"He's not here, Francine," Muffy responded. "He probably woke up in the middle of the night and realized that rhinos eat 75 pounds of food per day."  
  
Francine started to look behind the washer and dryer. "I'm not giving up on my friend so easily, Muffy."  
  
"I hate laundry rooms," Muffy grumbled. "So much lint in the air. How can anyone breathe?"  
  
Francine glared at her. "Nobody's stopping you from going back to your palace, Your Majesty."  
  
"And nobody's stopping you from going back to your hovel!" said Muffy hotly.  
  
"I don't know why I chose you for my best friend," said Francine, staring directly at Muffy. "All you do is moan and complain about how badly off we commoners are."  
  
"Then find a new best friend," said Muffy, her voice rising in pitch. "There are lots of lonely people at the homeless shelter."  
  
"There are lots of people at the homeless shelter who have more fashion sense than you!" cried Francine.  
  
Muffy gasped. "How rude!"  
  
As the argument between the two girls became heated, Brain hurried into the laundry room. "Stop fighting!" he barked. "You'll turn into rhinos!"  
  
Francine and Muffy fell silent and looked at Brain fearfully.  
  
"Buster's not in the house," said Brain more calmly. "He must have left during the night. I only hope..."  
  
At that moment the doorbell rang. "Maybe it's him," said Francine hopefully.  
  
Brain, Francine, and Muffy hurried to the front door, and Brain opened it. They were momentarily stunned when they saw not Buster, but two police officers.  
  
"Uh...good morning, officers," said Brain. The two policemen didn't appear surprised to see three third-graders in their pajamas at 8:30 A.M. on a school day.  
  
"Any rhino children living in this house?" asked one of the officers.  
  
"No," Brain answered. "None that we're aware of."  
  
"I looked everywhere," said Muffy.  
  
"Thank you," said the other officer. "Have a nice day."  
  
Brain closed the door on the departing policemen, as Arthur, Fern, and Molly, also clad in pajamas, walked up to him.  
  
"What do you suppose that was about?" asked Fern.  
  
"I don't know," said Brain.  
  
"Seeing cops at the door always makes me nervous," Molly remarked.  
  
"Well, we can always hope for the best," said Brain. "Maybe Buster got scared and went home to his mom. You're all welcome to use our bathtub if you'd like to..."  
  
Fern's jaw suddenly dropped. "Oh, no!"  
  
She rushed to the door, threw it open, ran outside...and witnessed a sight that horrified her. It wasn't the smashed street lights, the damaged fences, or the overturned garbage cans and mailboxes.  
  
It was four adults grappling with a rhino girl and forcing her into the back of a cargo truck.  
  
Fern looked up and down the street, and the same scene repeated itself. Dozens of grownups, and several police officers, were in the process of loading rhino children into trucks and police cars. The air was filled with the bellowed protests of the rhinos as they were dragged into the street, in many cases by their own parents.  
  
The other kids filed out of Brain's house and gaped in astonishment at the sight...all except for Brain.  
  
"It's horrible!" cried Fern. "How can they do this?"  
  
"It's like the Japanese internment all over again," Molly commented.  
  
As two men carried a little rhino boy down the sidewalk, Fern approached them. "Where are you taking them?" she asked.  
  
"To the zoo," said one of the men, "where they'll be safe."  
  
"And we'll be safe from them," said the other man.  
  
Fern turned back to her friends. "This is wrong!" she protested. "These are our friends! These are our children! It's not their fault they've changed!"  
  
"This is the way it has to be," said Brain coldly. The other kids looked at him with shocked expressions.  
  
"But you're talking about putting kids in cages!" said Arthur indignantly.  
  
"They could suffocate in those trucks," said Francine.  
  
"I'm sure they've considered that possibility," said Brain, once again without emotion.  
  
"How can you support this?" Fern shouted at him.  
  
"The rhinos have lost all sense of responsibility and morality," Brain explained. "They're essentially animals. True, it's not their fault, but they still can't be allowed to run free and cause damage."  
  
"This won't stop the spread of the disease, or whatever it is, will it?" said Muffy.  
  
"No, I'm afraid not," said Brain.  
  
"I don't care what you say, Brain," said the outraged Fern. "I'm going to stop this madness, even if I have to do it alone!"  
  
"Fern, wait!" cried Brain as the girl stormed down the sidewalk.  
  
The other kids watched her go speechlessly. Finally Molly spoke up.  
  
"Uh, I think she should have put on some more stretchable clothes first."  
  
Before they knew what was happening, Fern had attacked a woman who was holding on to the arm of a rhino girl. "Let her go!" she shrieked repeatedly. As the woman struggled to hold Fern off with one hand, the rhino girl broke free and fled.  
  
Then it happened.  
  
Fern began to quiver. Her body started to bloat, straining against her confining sleepwear.  
  
Arthur, Brain, Francine, Muffy, and Molly turned their heads, unable to watch...  
  
(to be continued) 


	10. Chapter 10

"Let's go inside," said Brain. "I want to get out of these pajamas."  
  
Arthur, Francine, Muffy, and Molly reluctantly followed Brain back into his house. Not once did they dare to look down the street to see what fate had befallen Fern.  
  
As Brain closed the front door after them, Muffy sighed plaintively. "Now Fern's a rhino. She never seemed the type to..."  
  
Muffy's sentence was interrupted by a hard pounding on the door. The kids turned, surprised.  
  
"Brain, let me in!" came the voice from outside. It sounded much like Fern, but deeper and hoarser.  
  
Brain stepped over to the door and looked through the peephole. What he saw shocked and disgusted him. Rhino Fern was completely naked, except for the bow on her head.  
  
"Please! They're coming for me!" she pleaded.  
  
Brain backed away from the door. "That's a little more about Fern than I ever wanted to know," he remarked.  
  
"Shouldn't we let her in?" asked Arthur.  
  
Brain opened his mouth as if to say no, when there was a deafening...  
  
CRUNCH!  
  
Brain whirled, pale with fright.  
  
A one-horned rhino nose was hanging through a gaping hole in the door, exactly where his chest had been seconds earlier...  
  
The other kids hurried to Brain's side, except for Molly, who stood motionless and ghastly pale.  
  
Fern retracted her nose from the hole, then stuck in her arm and fumbled for the doorknob. The kids watched speechlessly, unsure of what to do.  
  
Then she withdrew her arm as quickly as she had inserted it. Brain knelt and peered through the hole, and saw that the two police officers who had visited earlier were dragging Fern away. Arthur and Muffy then took turns looking through the hole. Fern's rhino face almost appeared to be smiling.  
  
"They'll put her in a cage," Arthur lamented. "Can't we do something?"  
  
"There's nothing we can do," said Brain sadly. "She's one of them now."  
  
"I'll bet they won't even give her the dignity of clothes," Muffy remarked.  
  
Brain turned and noticed that Molly was sitting on a chair in the living room, her hands between her knees, obviously very shaken. He hurried to her side and bent his knees to be even with her face.  
  
"Molly, you look terrible. Are you okay?"  
  
Molly looked at him, and Brain could tell that she was trying hard not to cry.  
  
"She could have hurt you...or killed you," she said quietly. "If she'd been only a second or two sooner..."  
  
Brain tried to comfort her. "Molly, it's all right..."  
  
"Stupid rhinos," said Molly with rising anger in her voice. "I hate them! I wish they were all DEAD!"  
  
"All dead," Muffy muttered to herself thoughtfully.  
  
"Calm down, Molly," said Brain to the rabbit girl, whose face was now wet with tears. "You've got to keep your emotions under control, or you'll end up just like Fern."  
  
Brain felt a tap on his shoulder and looked up. There was Muffy, wearing a confident smile.  
  
"I've got it, Brain! I know why this is happening!"  
  
Brain straightened up, suddenly curious. Arthur and Francine quickly came to Muffy's side.  
  
"I think Prunella was on to something," said Muffy.  
  
Arthur, Francine, and Brain groaned and rolled their eyes.  
  
"No, hear me out!" Muffy continued. "In all our confusion we forgot one very important fact about rhinoceroses. They're an endangered species!"  
  
"So?" said Brain.  
  
"They could all die out in the next fifty years," said Muffy excitedly. "Don't you get it? This is, like, some kind of...retribution of nature. Humans are killing off rhinos, so nature punishes humans by turning them into rhinos. That's got to be it, Brain!"  
  
"Get a grip, Muffy," Brain admonished her.  
  
Muffy became more and more indignant. "You're looking at this all wrong. You think humans are good and rhinos are bad, but it's the humans who have been hunting the rhinos to extinction!"  
  
"Shut up!" Brain shouted.  
  
"Rhinos good, humans bad!" shrieked Muffy, her face a mask of outrage.  
  
"Why, you..." Brain raised a fist threateningly, but then caught himself and struggled to remain calm.  
  
Muffy, in the meantime, was skipping merrily toward the front door, her arms open wide. "I'm coming, my friends!" she chanted.  
  
As she opened the door and sailed through, Arthur, Brain, and Francine noticed that her pajamas were starting to rip at the seams.  
  
"Should we try to stop her?" asked Arthur as the door closed after Muffy.  
  
"It's too late," said Brain glumly.  
  
Having nothing better to do, Arthur, Brain, and Francine sat on the couch together.  
  
"I suppose we could watch the news," Brain suggested.  
  
"It's probably all bad," said Francine.  
  
"I know where Buster is," said Molly.  
  
The other three kids gasped in unison.  
  
Molly rose from her chair. "I have something to tell you, and you're not gonna like me after I tell it to you."  
  
"Well, we don't like you now, so...go ahead," said Arthur.  
  
Molly walked over to the TV and rested her elbow on it.  
  
"I wanted to be a rhino like the other Tough Customers. I thought it would be cool to be so big and strong. I didn't think about the death and destruction they could cause...until now."  
  
"Go on," said Brain.  
  
"The Tough Customers heard that you and your friends were planning to defeat the rhinos somehow. So I decided to not turn into a rhino right away, but to spy on you first."  
  
Brain scowled at her. "So that's been your game all along."  
  
"It gets worse," Molly went on. "I knew about the plan to round up the rhino kids. While you were asleep, I sneaked out to warn the Tough Customers. But there was one thing I didn't count on..."  
  
Francine's eyes went wide with fear as the realization dawned upon her.  
  
"Buster...followed...you..."  
  
"That's right," said Molly.  
  
"Where is he now?" asked Arthur.  
  
Molly took a deep breath. "He's a prisoner of the Tough Customers."  
  
(to be continued) 


	11. Chapter 11

Arthur, Brain, and Francine shuddered with fear upon hearing the news.  
  
"We've got to help him!" exclaimed Arthur. "Where is he, Molly?"  
  
"In our secret hideout," said Molly. "I'll take you there."  
  
"Hold it," said Brain. "Before we do anything rash, we need to ask ourselves a few questions."  
  
"Such as?" said Francine.  
  
"First of all, can Molly be trusted? She could be leading us into a trap."  
  
"That's a good point," Arthur remarked.  
  
"But what choice do we have?" said Francine. "She's the only one who knows the way to their hideout."  
  
"Second," said Brain, "is Buster still human?"  
  
"Uh...well..." Arthur mumbled.  
  
"Exactly," Brain continued. "Let's face it, Buster's a little short in the willpower department."  
  
"In other words," said Francine, "starve him for a few hours, and he'll do whatever you say."  
  
"You don't even need to starve him," said Brain. "Just tempt him with a box of Twinkies. He can't resist food."  
  
Arthur started to become angry. "Stop talking like that. Buster's our friend. We shouldn't make fun of him when he's not around."  
  
But Brain was too busy muttering thoughtfully to himself to hear.  
  
"...tempt him with a box of Twinkies...can't resist food..."  
  
"You said that once," said Francine.  
  
Molly stepped closer to Brain. "Alan, what is it?"  
  
"...can't resist food..." Brain muttered again.  
  
"I think he just slipped a groove," Arthur remarked.  
  
Brain slapped his knee. "That's it!" he cried triumphantly. "I was stupid not to think of this before!"  
  
Arthur, Francine, and Molly gaped at him with interest.  
  
He smiled. "I just remembered another important fact about rhinoceroses."  
  
----  
  
"Oh, man, am I hungry," moaned Rhino Rattles, sitting on a chair underneath the sheet-metal roof of the Tough Customers' secret hideout.  
  
"Yeah, we all are," said another rhino boy who sat across from him.  
  
A third rhino boy looked over at some leafy trees growing nearby. "Those leaves are looking better and better," he remarked.  
  
"I think we should eat the rabbit," said Rattles, gesturing toward a nearby barbecue spit from which the nervous Buster was suspended, bound hand and foot.  
  
"I dunno," said the second rhino boy. "He looks kinda scrawny. I don't think he's got enough meat to go around."  
  
Another rhino boy entered the crude structure, his arms laden with brown plastic bags. "Hey, guys," he announced, "I gleeped some pork rinds from the convenience store."  
  
The other rhino boys, six in all, rose to their feet eagerly.  
  
"Lemme have some of those," said Rattles, grabbing one of the bags. He ripped open the top with his horn, emptied the contents of the bag into his mouth, chewed for a while, and grimaced in disgust. "What are you trying to pull? I could eat a trainload of this stuff and still be hungry."  
  
"Sorry, man," said the rhino boy with the pork rinds. Then he started to sniff the air. "Hey, who's that I smell?"  
  
Rattles sniffed as well. "It's Molly. And somebody's with her."  
  
The seven rhino boys filed through the entrance to their secret hideout. Walking through the trees in their direction were Molly, holding up a wooden pole with a white flag attached, and Brain, who was hiding something behind his back.  
  
"Oh, look at that," said Rattles. "Molly's brought us another prisoner."  
  
"He's not here as a prisoner, Rattles," said Molly as she and Brain stopped in front of the seven rhinos. "He's come to propose an exchange."  
  
"An exchange?" Rattles repeated. "What kind of exchange?"  
  
"My friend Buster," said Brain, "for this."  
  
He pulled his hands from behind his back, revealing that he held a large, fresh head of iceberg lettuce in each hand.  
  
The hearts of the rhino boys almost burst with longing when they saw the lettuce. Their tongues dangled from their mouths. Drops of drool fell from their lips.  
  
"Let...tuce..." mumbled one of the rhino boys.  
  
"It's so beautiful," gushed another.  
  
"We wants it," said yet another.  
  
"My precious!" added another.  
  
"Deal," said Rattles, extending his hand to shake Brain's.  
  
Instead of shaking hands with Rattles, Brain tossed the heads of lettuce several yards to his left. Soon all seven rhino boys were charging toward them. They leaped, some of them landing on top of the lettuce and some on top of other rhinos. Within moments a feeding frenzy had begun, as the rhinos punched and kicked each other, each trying to pull off a chunk of lettuce and stuff it in his mouth.  
  
In the meantime, Brain and Molly had made their way to the barbecue spit where Buster was hanging, and were untying the ropes that bound him.  
  
"You guys got here just in time," said Buster gratefully. "They were about to roast me and eat me."  
  
"Empty threats," said Brain. "Rhinos are herbivores. Vegetarians."  
  
Soon Buster was released from his bonds. He stood up, rubbing his sore wrists.  
  
As Brain, Buster, and Molly exited the secret hideout, they saw the seven rhino boys sprawled on the ground, some of them chewing on lettuce, all of them covered from head to toe with lettuce fragments.  
  
Rattles sat up and sank his head into his hands. "What's the matter with us, dudes?" he asked the others. "We just fought like wild animals for two lousy heads of freakin' lettuce."  
  
"Sorry, Rattles," said another rhino boy. "I just couldn't help myself."  
  
"Neither could I," said another.  
  
"Got any more?" another rhino boy asked Brain.  
  
"Plenty more where that came from," said Brain. "Follow us."  
  
All of the rhino boys, except for Rattles, started to follow Brain, Buster, and Molly as they took off through the trees.  
  
"Wait, guys!" called Rattles. "Where are you going?"  
  
"Must...have...more...lettuce," droned a rhino boy.  
  
"Too...hungry...to...resist," mumbled another.  
  
Rattles quickly stood up and hurried after the departing rhino boys.  
  
"Dudes, you know this has gotta be some kind of trap," he said to them when he had caught up.  
  
"Mmmm...lettuce," said the rhino boy in the rear as he licked his lips.  
  
Second later Brain, Buster, Molly, and the seven rhino boys came out of the trees and arrived at a small cul-de-sac where a police car and a truck were parked. The cargo door of the truck was open, revealing half a dozen boxes filled with lettuce, carrots, cabbage, and other vegetables.  
  
"Food!" cried the rhino boys in unison when they laid eyes on the bounty.  
  
Nothing could restrain them as they charged up the ramp and into the back of the truck, where they began to greedily stuff vegetables into their mouths.  
  
Molly quickly closed the cargo door, sealing the rhinos inside.  
  
As Rattles was biting off half of a head of cabbage, he noticed something suspicious. "Hey! We're locked in!"  
  
"Yeah?" said one of the other rhino boys, who was munching on four carrots simultaneously.  
  
Rattles shrugged his shoulders and bit into his cabbage again.  
  
Five minutes later, as the cargo truck rolled along the highway in the direction of the zoo, the rhino boys looked around and saw that all of the vegetable boxes were empty. A few of them picked up scraps from the floor and ate them.  
  
"Oh, man," Rattles lamented, "did we really eat all that?"  
  
"I guess so," said another rhino. "I don't remember much after getting in the truck."  
  
"I'm still hungry," said another.  
  
Rattles looked at the sliding window that separated the cargo compartment from the cab of the truck. A man was driving, with a woman sitting next to him, chatting carelessly.  
  
He knocked on the window, and the woman reached her arm over and opened it. "Where are you taking us?" he demanded angrily.  
  
"To the zoo," the woman said, "where you'll have a nice warm cage, and all the vegetables you can eat."  
  
Rattles and the other rhinos groaned miserably.  
  
"Wait a minute," said Rattles, suddenly worried. "All the vegetables we can eat? How much is that?"  
  
"The average zoo rhinoceros eats 75 pounds of vegetables per day," the woman answered.  
  
Rattles' eyes nearly sprang out of their sockets. His heart plummeted.  
  
"Seventy...five...pounds..."  
  
"Per day," the woman repeated.  
  
"Seventy-five pounds?" said one of the boys. "How much is that?"  
  
"I think it's a lot," said another boy.  
  
"Take what we just ate," yet another boy added, "multiply it by about a gazillion, and that's seventy-five pounds."  
  
The rhino boys groaned again.  
  
"I can't even stop myself," one of them said. "I see a cabbage, and I turn into Pac-Man. It's crazy."  
  
"How long are we gonna be this way?" asked another.  
  
"For the rest of our lives," said yet another. "Or until we die, whichever comes first."  
  
Rattles sat down and shook his rhino head sadly. "This bites. This really bites. I hate being a rhino."  
  
The other boys gasped and looked at him in shock.  
  
"What...did you say?" one said nervously.  
  
"I said," Rattles reiterated, "I hate being a rhino. I don't want to be a rhino anymore. I want to be human again!"  
  
As soon as he had said this, he felt a strange sensation throughout his body.  
  
"Wh-what's happening?"  
  
(to be continued) 


	12. Chapter 12

Having arrived at the zoo, the cargo truck pulled to a stop near a fenced area in which dozens of rhino children wandered aimlessly. The driver and the woman who rode with him climbed out of the cab and went to open the cargo door.  
  
As they opened it, to their surprise, they saw not seven rhino boys, but the very human Tough Customers.  
  
"What happened to them?" the man wondered aloud.  
  
"They've become human again," said the woman.  
  
"But...how did you do it?" said the man to the human boys.  
  
"Oh, it was easy," said Rattles. "I just wished I was human again, and...poof!"  
  
"Is that so?" said the woman.  
  
"Yeah," said another boy. "Well, the thought of having to eat seventy-five pounds of vegetables every day for the rest of our lives had a lot to do with it, too."  
  
----  
  
"This just in," said the news reporter. "In Elwood City, the mysterious phenomenon known as rhinocerosis is finally under control. Ever since the aggressive campaign by the mayor and city council to notify the citizenry of the dietary and lifestyle changes involved in becoming a rhinoceros, there have been no new reported cases. In addition, the thousands of children who had already become rhinos tired of their diet of vegetables, and started to turn human again. We now go to Wolf Blitzen, who is interviewing one of the first victims of rhinocerosis to return to human form."  
  
The scene on the TV screen shifted to Wolf Blitzen interviewing Rattles.  
  
"I don't believe it!" cried Francine.  
  
"Why does he get all the credit?" Brain protested. "All he did was bully people. I was the one who stood for humanity and civilization while everybody around me turned into animals."  
  
"I'm just glad all of this will be over soon," said Arthur.  
  
On the screen, Rattles basked in his fifteen minutes of fame. "...but even though I had turned into a wild beast, driven by basic instincts, deep down in my heart there was still a spark of humanity, calling to me, beckoning me..."  
  
"Well, who knows?" Francine remarked. "Maybe this experience will make him a better person."  
  
The doorbell rang. Brain rose from the couch and went to answer it.  
  
Standing outside the recently replaced front door of his house were all of his friends who had turned into rhinos--Binky, Sue Ellen, Prunella, George, Jenna, Fern, and Muffy--but were now fully human again.  
  
"Hi, Brain," said Muffy, smiling. "We just got out of the zoo, and we all decided to come visit you and thank you for your valiant efforts to save Elwood City from the scourge of rhinocerosis."  
  
"It was really nothing," said Brain bashfully as the kids filed into his house.  
  
Fern examined the new door as she went by. "Nice door, Brain. Sorry about the old one."  
  
Brain opened the refrigerator door and reached into the produce drawer. "Any of you hungry?" he asked.  
  
"Am I ever," said Binky.  
  
"I'm famished," said Prunella. "I've only eaten twenty pounds today."  
  
Brain pulled two heads of lettuce from the refrigerator. "I've got some nice lettuce."  
  
"Ewww!" the kids cried in unison.  
  
"I never want to taste lettuce again as long as I live!" Sue Ellen exclaimed.  
  
"I never want to smell it again, either," said George.  
  
"All right," said Brain, putting the lettuce away. "We'll have ice cream bars instead."  
  
"Oh, yeah!" said Jenna.  
  
A few minutes later, all the kids were chatting and enjoying ice cream bars in Brain's living room.  
  
"I hope rhinocerosis is one of those things you only get once, like chickenpox," said Muffy.  
  
"I hope so too," said Arthur. "Rhinos destroyed my bedroom once, and that's quite enough."  
  
"Quiet, everybody!" called Brain, who was watching a news reporter on TV.  
  
"We've just had reports that rhinocerosis, which originated in Elwood City but is now under control there, has surfaced in the neighboring city of Springfield."  
  
"D'oh!" said Arthur.  
  
THE END 


End file.
